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Postby The_Joker » Thu Sep 09, 2010 4:28 am

Who Is Braver?


Three generals, one from the Army, another from The Australian Army, and a third from the U.S Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose men were the bravest.
To prove his point, the US Air Force General calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"
"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.
The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.
"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M-14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.
"YES SIR!!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.
"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.
"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"
"YES SIR!!" replies the private.
"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."
"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.
"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"
They all look to the Aussie Trooper. "Trooper," he says.
"YES SIR!!"
"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'Waltzing Matilda', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."
The Trooper snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, " GET FU*KED .. SIR!!"
The Aussie General turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery boys!"
Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot...
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Postby at1with0 » Thu Sep 09, 2010 2:52 pm

"it is easy to grow crazy"
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Postby The_Joker » Thu Sep 16, 2010 2:07 pm

Well it's Friday here in Australia so that means it is joke day for you...lucky buggers!

Little Johnny

Little Johnny is in class one day and he is astounding his teacher Miss. Simpson with his knowledge for Grade one student. So his teacher says to Little Johnny, "Come with me to the Principles Office"

When Little Johnny and the teacher get into the Principles Office the teacher tells him about how Johnny is so smart for his age. The Principle does not really believe it so he asks,
"Johnny what is 9+1?
Johnny replies, "Ten"
"Okay, what is 7 times 8?"
"Um 56 sir"
"Wow! that is very good Johnny, what is 12 times 12?" the principal continues.
"Um, 144 sir"
"He is definitely smart, well put him into grade 3 right now" the principal says and Johnny's chest swells as Johnny's teacher gets a puzzled look on her face.
"Okay, I better make sure, What do cows have 4 of that a woman only has 2 of? the principal asks.
"Legs sir" Johnny replies
"Hmm, What does a man have in his pants that a woman does not?" the principal asks.
"Pockets sir" says Little Johnny.

"You are right Miss Simpson, He is smart but not THAT smart, well put him in grade 5" says the principal.
Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot...
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Postby The_Joker » Fri Sep 17, 2010 3:18 pm

*bump*
Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot...
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Posts: 678
Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2010 6:22 pm

Postby The_Joker » Thu Sep 23, 2010 2:08 pm

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness". Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but.... your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it.

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis." They work great but they don't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want." But this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's
important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes, I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting Italian Marble counter tops."
Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot...
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Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2010 6:22 pm

Postby The_Joker » Thu Sep 30, 2010 2:04 pm

It's that time of the week again so here we go.

The Farmer


An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators." Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!
Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot...
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Posts: 678
Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2010 6:22 pm

Postby BloodStone » Thu Sep 30, 2010 3:18 pm

I liked the bravery one Joker, that's classic..


two thumbs up...







BloodStone...
If it were raining hookers, I'd get hit by a fag.
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Postby The_Joker » Fri Oct 01, 2010 1:20 am

Thanks Bloodstone, glad it put a smile on your face for the weekend. ;)

And then there is the story about the old man who went outside in the dead of winter in ND.

When his grand children came visiting there was Grandpa sitting outside with no pats on and the Grandchildren said, "Grandpa why haven't you got any pants on?"

The old man replied, "Well your grandma suggested it, she says I'll get a stiff"

The Grandchildren were shocked and checked with their grand mother who was also shocked.

She went outside tapped the old man on the shoulder and said "Turn on your hearing aid you old fool, "I said put you pants on before you go outside, you'll catch a sniff"
Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot...
User avatar
The_Joker
 
Posts: 678
Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2010 6:22 pm

Postby The_Joker » Thu Oct 07, 2010 4:19 am

I am heading off for the weekend to Sydney so I've decided to post my Joke for the week a little early .. Enjoy!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot...
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Posts: 678
Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2010 6:22 pm

Postby at1with0 » Thu Oct 07, 2010 7:09 am

I've got a joke.

Two nuns are taking a bath together and one says, "could you pass the soap?"

The other said, "sure," and handed her the soap.

The end.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
"it is easy to grow crazy"
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