The Black Vault

I'm currently dating a married man who is also my boss. He's 38 (12 years older than me) and is seriously unhappy with his wife who he's been married to for 15 years. What the heck should I do? Cuz I have no freaking clue!!!

In any world you are really making a big mistake, Actually already made a big mistake. You are in a no win situation and the damage is irreversable. 12 years older than you with marriage problems that happen to be 15 years old. What do you think he is thinking, backing his life up 12-15 years to when he met the wife, finding you at your age? He is trying to turn back the clock! They would have been your age, and so, was he when he started that marriage. You are being used on so many fronts its pathetic, and this boss of yours is a moron for doing it. You are in a total no win situation, if they get back togather, you are toast, and your job along with it. If they get a divorse, you may end up the object of a lot of real scorn in that proceeding. If they have kids you will be on the subject list deciding custody. In that case your job is toast, if the wife makes an issue with child custody, and he has to cut all ties with you.

As for your job, I don't know what kind of job it is, or if you are engaged in a carreer situation rather than a meaningless job. If you work at Mcdonalds vs. some long range carreer opportunity to build on, those do not come along often. Either way your job is on the line, and you are being exploited by a superior in the work place. If you are in any kind of job with a lot of other people, you are undoubtly part of the rumor mill, and coffee machine gossup. Don;t know if you boss is just another employee, or if he owns the business you work in, either way, he has entered into the modern world of sexual harrassment lawsuits. Which is why you need to be very smart. When the time comes when he needs to be done with you, you will be layed off in a manner that will catch you off guard, and you will be on the outside looking in, as far as your job.

Not trying to paint such a bleek picture, but the only one who is going to suffer in this is you. If you piece it all togather, his advances to you were inappropreate from any supervisor, and he took it much further involving you, at the risk of your job, during his marriage problems. If he tricked you into thinking he was not married, pursued you on the job, etc. etc., and this ruined your carreer opportunities, I think you may have a sexual harrassment lawsuit. If you got this job after college and you were building a carreer, you were derailed.

If you both have found true love thats possible, but you are in the middle of a marriage situation that will get real ugly. Step back and take a good look at the big picture what this means to you and your job. Your boss is so far out on a legal limb its pathetic, not only with you as his boss, but what your relationship will mean to his divorse or child custody. If the place you work is his business, how do you think that will go when he and his wife has to split assets?

yeah..what Greeny said/posted

Plus there's now the web..we are in the age of the web...if you get discovered your name will be dirt all over the web..if the wife or kids don't do it, you can bet people that care about them will.
They will announce to the world that you are a homewrecker..and it'll be legal if they have proof..like e-mails or pics or text massages (and because this is also the age of camera phones and online pic services..this is likely)

You will have an online scarlet letter that may haunt you for the rest of your life

sites that out infidelity are popular and becoming more so

This is a situation that will only cause heartache all around..for all involved..more than likely

try and get out now..before the shite gets any deeper

I hope you're not inlove yet..if so..get out now before you are and when it blows up..you'll be even more hurt

first off I'm a temp so I know I can be asked to leave with a weeks notice so that much doesn't bother me greatly. second there's no kids involved at all. he is pursuing me. i haven't taken him up on anything yet- all i've done is go out for food with someone I considered to be a friend as we get on incredibly well. i went for a walk with him thursday evening and he admitted an interest...which i returned and it ended up with us kissing. he's also been texting me over the weekend saying how much he's missing me. and i really don't know what to do. anyone who knows me well, will know i'm not the most clued up of people when it comes to relationships...and being in this situation only makes it worse. general opinion is that i leave him the hell alone.

Before you get in too deep Nixxie, you are just asking for touble, to let it go far at all. If you have an interest in each other, it may be different if he is legally separated, and not still with the wife. Draw that line in the sand, that as long as he is still with the wife, forget it. At least there are no kids(if he is telling the truth), for their sake, but also the mess of getting involved with separations and custody battles, and what her lawyers would make out of you.

Bottom line is this guy is in his own pickle, and at 38 years old with his current situation, is in a different stage of life. I sure when you are 26, the 26 year old young men market, may be few and far between, for prime candidates. They are unstable, uncertain, and uninterrested in long term committments. An older 38 year old married guy, who is a manager, may look like a secure individual to you, but I seriously doubt it. There is a reason he is getting a divorse after 15 years at his age, and you will be the last person he will want to really know why.

I may be wrong but, at age 38, me may be unhappy his wife doesn;t look like she is 15 years younger, and probably imagines he still does. He may be in a mid life crisis, and can;t handle the fact we all age, and he is looking at 40 coming down the road. Maybe she makes more money than him, since they have no kids, and he can;t handle that either. All kinds of things to imagine himself inferior, and what a better way to get over it, than a 26 year old girlfriend on the side. Don;t fall for the bullshit lines, and story of how unhappy his wife makes him, but they are still togather. Don;t fall for the bullshit story he may actually have a house full of kids, he wouldn't want you to know about.

The fact you are a temp may be why he has pursued you, because the regular employees may know him, and his real history. Don't be fooled, you can't be able to verify anything he tells you, and your role will always be in the dark. You don't know any of the other employees persay, so in his mind you present no trail back to his wife.

As I said, you may have found a budding romance, but in my mind, he is a snake. I think there are are a few thousand other guys your age, and in your stage in life to find Nixxie. Get rid of this guy now before it costs you dearly.

My advice nixxie-
Keep it real gurl.
An older man could be great for you in your life,
most likely not this one. And although I know it is easy for us to
think one thing and do another....if you turned from this situation
and let it be without moving further, some day I know you would
be proud of yourself. The thing that sucks, is sometimes when we
need to learn something it comes in temptations, or in packages we
would prefer differently. All in All, I'd hope that you find better
circumstances, there is something to learn from this situation, and at
times like that we have to do our best not to make it harder on ourselves than
it needs to be....most often I find the hardest route.
You are my age, and you seem like such a fun out going person,
and its cool you were able to put this out there. No matter
what, take care of yourself and stay true to you. Muah.

Both of you are a few years younger than John and about 9 yrs younger than my daughter. I've seen a lot of these 35-45 year old age group managers, in the company I retired from. They seem like level headed, secure, professionals all dressed up in their nice shirt and tie evryday, and they have a steady income. All in image, and a game in the corporate sturcture, jockying for a place in the rechime running the company. That all looks great when your last dates were guys going noplace, and barly could take you to the movies. I watched my company get rid of all the upper management that was older, and now the middle/lower management was this age group, that didn;t know crap from kitty litter, and they all played the corporate ladder climbing game. Half of them about as secure as nothing, divorses and drinking problems heading into middle aged alcoholism. Many of them really were professionals and were in the right place, but many of them were personal disaster stories, and at age 38 it starts catching up with many of them.

Bail out Nixxie, you are a young girl with a lot to offer someone in your stage of life. In my company, this is the kind of thing Labor Relations/human resourses dept. delt with all the time, and his job is really on the line, if this is construed as a sexual harrassement claim. These big companies are scared to death of this kind of lawsuit. Also in my company was required to have annual ethics training, and our managers had special training dealing with things like behavior problems and subjects of avioding the appearance of unethical situations. Pursuing a relationship with a younger temp., that also was under his supervision, would have been a serious ethical breach, and at least the appearance of sexual harrassment. That was the policy of Rockwell International, Boeing, and United technology, the 3 different owners of my division, over my 30 years.

thanks for the advice guys. Its nothing to do with his age and me seeing him as secure...I've only ever been in relationships with older men and most of the time it's ended up with me being dumped. I've told him today that yes we can go out tomorrow but only if we sit and talk about what he wants, where he see's this going and most importantly, the problems with his marriage. I'm not touching him at all until thats been cleared up because as Greeney said- I don't want to be taken for a ride and then get dumped from my job. I've also asked to meet the wife. In a social setting so I can judge for myself.

Nixxie,
honestly, you should check out some 'cheating men' message boards and such.

men like this, who are (maybe)unhappliy married and only want to wreck things all the more with infidelity..they play games..they give each other tips.
They are very good at seduction..seducing the other woman that is.

They play all the cards...
the 'pity me in my sad marriage' card.
the "you are the most beautiful, inspiring woman i have ever met" card
they play the 'My wife and I have an unwritten understanding' card..
the "we are seperated but living together' card
The 'I love my wife but she doesn't love me, poor me' card
and on and on...

They write you love letters and Many sexy, and/or romantic texts and buy you romantic and sexy gifts.

It is all to feel like a big man for them and to turn you into their secret gilr toy. their sexual play thing.

simply to play games..


basically to make you fall in-love with them..and then when they don;t leave their wife for you and you are hurt t dump you with a line like "You knew I was married" even though every message they ever sent you was that they wer eunhappy and wantitng to leave their wife and fall in-love with you
It's an ago game for them. (I doubt these men see any woman as an actual person, their lovers or their wife)
Mommy issues.

It would be different if you had known him a while and you both felt that you were falling in-love.

But this sounds like he had a plan for you from early on.

It's not wotrh it. Get a free man who respects you enough to not think you'd get with a married man in the first place and geniunely wants something real with you.
or
if you want fun..find a single guy for it.

This is way too potentually destructive..not worth it, I say (for all you know his wife might be a crrazy beyatch)

Hey Nixxie, been a week now, what has happened with your situation? You have us all involved now!

We're friends John. I've met his wife. To be absolutely truthful I didn't like her one bit- not because I fancy him- she was very bitchy and a bit of a cow to me and to everyone. It was one of the girls leaving do tuesday so everyone went out for a meal and brought their partners along and she was just hideous the entire night. I understand now where he was coming from but i've made it absolutely clear that while i'm willing to be friends with him, i've no desire to do anything else while he's still a married man. He's asked if i'd be willing to reconsider that position once the divorce is over. I didn't say anything other than that i wouldn't wait for him.