The Black Vault

Strange Recipes from The What Not to Cook Cookbook

....Today i'm gonna prepare for ya an old family recipe favorite...Lima Bean Hand Grenade Yogurt Surprise casserole...i would like to introduce my prepping assistant Louis...Louis knows nothing about food but he follows orders well, isn't very bright and doesn't mind losing a limb or two in the process

...well Chef i just got back from the market and as you can plainly see the ingredients are all fresh especially the Hand Grenades which i hand picked myself off the back of a Army Special Forces supply truck

...oh yes the lima beans and yogurt are just the right color, texture and consistency and those Grenades oo la la...hard , oiley and ripe with shrapnel

....should i begin slicin the lima beans Chef?

...you don't slice lima beans silly...you're confusin lima beans with my dealers cocaine...first we blanch the lima beans in sulfuric acid and while thats happenin...i'll add a tablespoon each of nutmeg, gun powder and WD 40 to the vanilla yogurt until its fully incorporated and blended into a creamy odd volatile mixture

...should i grease the pan with lard Chef?

...for cryin out loud, hell no, this ain't a Roman orgy Louis ordinary human saliva will do just fine...God Louis you really don't know anything about the art of home cooking, you're so adorable...while Louis is lubing the pan with spit...i'm going to remove the hard metal Pins from the hand grenades and replace them with soft sprigs of rosemary...rosemary is the secret ingredient that "pulls" the whole dish together so to speak...gives it that extra dash of flavor...that keeps your dinner guest guessin and comin back for more imho...

...i'm done greasin the pan Chef

...fantastique, in that case, i'll let Louis remove the Grenade pins as i set the oven at exactly 425 degrees and leave the room to stand safely next to Hal the shows Producer

BOOOOOOMMM

...WTF just happened?

...the Boom tells ya when the casserole is done...the explosion is what gives the casserole it's nice crispy crust and glow

...there's friggen bits of burnt Louis everywhere

...yes thats the surprise element of this dish but look at the end product...look at this casserole baby...how sexy and delicious lookin is that?

...damn that does look pretty tasty..ya gotta extra fork

...got one here in my top pocket...i don't think Louis will mind...well thats it for this weeks show...next week i'll be sharing a new old family recipe with the help of my new assistant Clarence the homeless guy...so until then...remember just because an ingredient isn't edible or just because its lethally dangerous...doesn't mean ya have to avoid them...just make sure you have someone helpin ya who doesn't value his or hers life as much as you value yours...Ciao Everyone and Bon Appetit

.remember just because an ingredient isn't edible or just because its lethally dangerous...doesn't mean ya have to avoid them...just make sure you have someone helpin ya who doesn't value his or hers life as much as you value yours...Ciao Everyone and Bon Appetit

You could make yourself a job out of this.

Oh Christ! What has happened?! I'm lying in a hospital bed and I only have one shoe on!!
I'm so confused. The last thing I remember, I was walking along the road.
Oh my Fing GAWD!! I only have one foot!!!!


Kids..this is an example of that wise old saying..
"I complained because I only had one shoe..until I met a man with only one foot"


now..hop on off and have a merry one

I wonder if all the missing socks out there are hanging out with all the missing shoes?
Having a big lone sock..lone shoe..nonconformist kind of party

NA..
Your emotican plays are really clever..you might want to trademark the idea, though..otherwise someone else WILL eventualy get rich off it..maybe create a show for "Adult Swim" on the cartoon network

... Oh behalf of owner John Greenewald Jr ...as a special Thank You to Black Vault Forum Members ... The Not So Sensational Black Vault Paranormal Emoticon Glee Club will now perform their rendition of "I feel pretty" from West Side Story for your masochistic listening pleasure and enjoyment

The theater lights dim, the curtains open....

...I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.

...Have you met my good friend Maria,
The craziest girl on the block?
You'll know her the minute you see her,
She's the one who is in an advanced state of shock.

...I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real.

...She thinks she's in love.
She thinks she's in Spain.
She isn't in love,
She's merely insane.

...See the pretty girl in that mirror there:
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

...It must be the heat
Or some rare disease,
Or too much to eat
Or maybe it's fleas.

...I feel stunning
And entrancing,
Feel like running and dancing for joy,
For I'm loved
By a pretty wonderful boy!

...Keep away from her,
Send for Chino!
This is not the
Maria we know!

...I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty
That the city should give me its key.
A committee
Should be organized to honor me.

...Modest and pure,
Polite and refined,
Well-bred and mature
And out of her mind!

...I feel dizzy,
I feel sunny,
I feel fizzy and funny and fine,
And so pretty,
Miss America can just resign!

...La la la la . . .

...See the pretty girl in that mirror there

...What mirror where?

...Who can that attractive girl be?

...Which? What? Where? Whom?

...Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

..Such a pretty me!

...I feel stunning
And entrancing,
Feel like running and dancing for joy,
For I'm loved
By a pretty wonderful boy!

..(bow in unison to the audience)

...did ya hear that creepy noise?

...yep..it came from the cellar

...lets go check it out maybe its Santa

...Santa?...it's freakin May 31st moron and since when did Santa start entering houses through cellar windows

...okay heres the plan...i'll open the cellar door and you two go check it out

...say what?! thats not a plan its a suicide mission...what if its a freakin hungry Reptilian

...good point...take a slice of pizza with ya

...i think you're both over reacting, it's probably the Easter Bunny hidin eggs

...yeah thats who it is the Easter Bunny...take this baseball bat and go get us some chocolate eggs... we'll wait here Peter Pan

...how do you like yours scrambled or sunny side up

..huh?..whats wrong with you, your Mama drop you on your head when you were a baby...lets just call the cops

...you crazy we can't call the cops the Reptilians probably turned them into flesh eating zombies by now

...okay i got a new plan... lets just get the hell outta here

...no way thats exactly what they want...those tricky blood suckin bastards are waitin to ambush us as soon as we walk out the door

...oh thats just great..i think i just pooped my pants

...quiet...somethings comin up the cellar steps

...oh God...i don't wanna die

....oh look...its only my cat Mr.Cuddles

...Mr.Cuddles??? why didn't ya tell us ya had a friggen cat...i almost had a heart attack over here

.....when did ya get a cat anyway?

...yesterday...i went to the Pet store right after the Reptilians down in the cellar ate my pitbull Darth Vader

.....waaaahhhhh waah waaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

...the moral of the story is..never go down in the cellar unless you're an starving actor who needs the work

WOW


Must party with NA !






BloodStone...

It's been a few days, come on now start thinking!