The Black Vault

Because the world needs as much laughter as it can get.


Q: What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?
A: Santa stops after 3 ho's.

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY... There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses... the results were pretty interesting. 30% of women think their ass is too fat. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny. The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

The definition of Cat:
A quite pleasant furry creature that vaguely resembles a meatloaf. Cats are the most intellectually superior creature on Earth. They are particularly adept at training human beings to do their bidding, and spend 18 hours a day on average apparently sleeping. What they are really doing is coming up with ways to take over the Earth while still retaining humans to make that yummy cat food for them. If cats had opposable thumbs, they, not us, would be the dominant force on this planet.

"Sheen has been officially fired from his show. Hopefully he’ll get through this difficult time with the love and support of his whores."
- Walter (Jeff Dunham)

In honor of St. Patrick's Day.

When my kid asks about the dinosaurs, I say, "You're looking at one"
Ah! Cha! Cha!

To all the old school NES gamers: Who HASN'T wanted something like this to happen.






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Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Ossama Bin Laden meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks. 'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds .

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Bin Laden climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'Why no he answers, I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still .'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'No, I am Jesus, the Christ...you will find Mohammed higher up. '

Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Bin Laden can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. 'No, my son.... I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?"

Bin Laden says, “Yes please”! God looks behind him, then he claps his hands and
yells out: "Hey Mohammed.........................two coffees please!""

Cthulhu is running for President? I thought he got impeached and left office after Watergate?

A couple of random pics.

my favorites?

'ever the optimist' and the pancake on the head one.

I don't know how to post pictures like that without actually having to fricking download the picture..dammit (because I would post SO many..so..maybe it's a good thing)

(um..see how I tempt you into teaching me? evil, manipulative me..yet good..I busted myself out..OR is that just more of my insidious evilness??!! I don't even know!!)