The Black Vault

Lying to your mate in that massive, betraying way is oh so wrong
pursuing someone that has a mate is oh so wrong
pursuing someone behind your mates back is oh so wrong

if a marriage doesn't make it..it doesn't make it..that does not make cheating okay... AT ALL

and if you think Jesus is okay with that kind of crap..you are nowhere NEAR enlightened or understanding Jesus and one day you will see that and know the selfishness and the cruelty involved and be and be very ashamed (your hypocrasy is setting this energy up for you..to teach you your tomfoolery..believe me..aboutface now..don't say you were not warned)

ask anyone that ended their marriage in this manner...a few years later and see what they say..they will tell you..if they are humble enough..and honest enough..that even if the marriage needed to end..it was not the way to do it

and about MY marriage you don't know me..you know me from a message board..you don't know my life or my marriage..I have been married since 1987..we have a special needs child...will my marriage make it..I don't know..I am doubtful..the odds are stacked against us at this point..but that is no excuse for infidelity..I personally don't want to be THAT person (and believe me, at first in my anger, I thought I could be, but realized it actually made me sick..made my soul feel sick pursuing life that way)..I NEVER want to be that person..my husband?..well..his journey in that regard is his own..his karma to carry..his soul sickness to heal..my marriage most likely will end one day(but maybe it won't we two have been through hell and high water together)..and I am prepared for that..but it will not be because I committed infidelity..that is not my way..I HATE lying in that way

and to anyone that is acting out in infidelity whether they are married or with a married person..that is their choice..but I warn..it will only bring them shame in the long run. And it will come back to them..

Also..speak to any couple that have survived a long time .if honest they will tell you..they had to cross this river..all do..it's a test..one of life's little tests.to see who are worthy and who are not

some marriages must end,,, but infidelity is no way to do that...it's small and dishonorable and honestly, shameful and not worthy of being brought up when talking of Christ, especially as a way to defend such selfish abhorrant behavior

mark my words

you are young and naive and you don't have children, obviously..
however..maybe you do..it amazes me the selfishness of people..to put themselves before their kids for that crap..butt hey..he devil..he seduces..sometimes he'll even come at you as a beautiful angel..preaching about God,,yet pushing a selfish agenda (and actually believes it themselves, not realizing that maybe they have fallen victim to some evil intent..trying to take them down..test them), defending an obviously selfish and destructive agenda.like infidelity...that any rational mind would recognize as such immediately..but lost in the desire...lost in the fog..lost in the temptation..the devil..he'll seduce yah..later you'll be like 'what was I thinkin?" as you sit in the rubble of the destruction your selfishness..your greed has caused..and the devil will smile

I feel like Cassandra, here

here's a great test..if you really think your relationship is stale..then go to your mate suggestest an one marriage..just hope they don't fidn soimeone else before you..it's so eaqsy to oursue when you've got someone at home..be open...let them pursue, too

or use the conversation to get counceling, maybe

most won't do this..no they'll lie..and cheat..why..because it's selfish..they don't want their mate to have the freedom they are allowing themselves..no they selfishly want their mate to be there for them..even as they are not there for their mate (not realizing this shite becomes addictive and spirals out of control and eventually their partner will find out..and all will pay in the end..much pain will come about..for all involved)

and anyone going out of their way to pursue a married person , whether they are married or not themselves , is really acting like a selfish a-hole. You can tell that by how they all love to say crap like "I couldn;t have done it if the marriage wasn';t faling anyway" it's such a self serving lie4..THEY..their doting bullshite and manipulation is exactly what began the crap in the marriage..all marriages wax and wane..but if a selfish azz comes along ,a t just the right mement..and begins their selfish seduction..I swaer that crap should be made illegal..there;s a special place in hell for people like that,,but that's okay..people that selfish..thye will neve rhave a good long term relationship..and that is lifes little lesson for them..they are too self serving..and will never be truly happy


if you like somebody and their marriage is failing..you stay out of it..it's not your business..if their marriage fails..then so be it..any advice you could give would have a hidden agenda, anyway (trying to break up their marriage for your own selfish pursuits)

it really is totally shameful..douchie..abusive crap

but hey... if you want to defend that crap...for whatever reason you may have....go right ahead

that's on you..I know where I stand on that shite.

Since we're mentioning Christ. How would he feel about the breaking of a sacred promise, I wonder. Or for anyone. Are there any circumstances under which "or for worse" does not apply, that the promise is ever nullified?

at1
you've been married and divorced..so you KNOW the pain of that.

I don't know..maybe marriage needs to be redefined.

but that is between the couple in it

infidelity to me is clear cut..it's not about the marriage...it's about the lying, the cheating

just like stealing is clear cut..it's not about the purse was there.the need for the moeny..etc..it's about the thieving

marriages make it and don't make it..some marriages are open marriages

infidelity is about ego stroking, fantasy and BS..it is

I'm not saying there are exceptions..like maybe people that were friends forever..etc...

but generally it's about boredom..being too lazy to work on your marriage..a marriage that is going a rough spot just as a preditorial seducer outide of the marriage comes along...curiosity even..an increasingly selfish society pushing it like it's okay..when it's really NOT

people not realizing..because society glamourizes it..and lies about it..the destruction that crap really causes..giving it a try

a yearning to feel young and freshly in love again (which is a sort of greediness..to me..leave youth to the young, I say..each chapter in life has it's own lessons..if you obsess on one..you never get to see what the next chapter has to reveal)

but I have noticed..just how destructive it is, is becoming more publically apparent
Movies showing it's destruction
so..there's hope in that

everyone is a possible soulmate..we are all God's children (or extentions of God, if you will)
b ut no two people are completely compatable.
The person you land up wanting to share your life with tends to not be the one who has the attributes you love the most on their side..you can find that anywhere..no..it's the person who'se crap you can put up with and can put up with yours..that's the secret.

We ALL have crap..it's finding the one who'se particular crap you can deal with, and who can deal with your particular crap
that's the secret to longevity and geniune love

why it almost sounds like unconditional love, by golly

the kind God has fore us all, supposedly

about the "for worse" part..I think in conditions of abuse or total misery for all involved..is worthy of a 'pass'

not all marriages should suvive

but infidelity..is IS abuse (this is one of the reasons why I'm not sure if mine will..as you can see..I am still very hurt over it alll..and trust is nowhere near restored for me)

and because it falls under abuse..it does cause marriages to fail as much as beatings, and verbal abuse, and alcoholism

heck inidelity can lead to all that

I mean..in my own case

it was a shite storm for a bit,there (as it is in most cases when this kind of crap gets discovered..and I suspect why many don't survive it)

That's what I keep hearing. That there are limits to "or worse." We signed up for "or worse" and immediately the promise was broken. Actually there were false pretenses. And until a few months ago, the promise was continuously broken. It has been maddening. Is that reason enough to seek and find love elsewhere so long as I don't lie about it? In someone who would never break such a sacred promise? If such an angel exists. Not talking about actively seeking it, actually...but finding it. If that makes me a douchebag then so be it but I can tell you I know what it's like to be lied to and to be 2nd or 3rd choice. In short, the marriages ruined my life. Or at least, that's how it could appear. But on the other hand I literally wouldn't be here right now if things worked out differently and I have few regrets.

edit @ your edit:
If infidelity is abuse and if abuse justifies breaking that promise, that sacred trust and bond, then the person cheated on would appear to have just cause to accepting that the promise is null and void.

It sure feels like abuse.

at1..
I think if you don't lie about it....if you tell her..you are considering this
I think it's a conversation you should both have
this is serious business

I thought you guys were trying to heal..the marshal arts classes and such
maybe there is still too much pain there?
I wonder about this in my own marriage

you two need to talk..I say this knowing I have similar stuff..ghosts of past pain in my marriage still haunting us

for what it's worth we don't talk about it so much, either (Christ, we yelled about it for years)
it's just too..painful to go there..not waqnting to stir

but it comes out in more insidious ways

plus..have you noticed..you got so hooked on the high drama..that when things settle a bit..you don't know what to do with yourself?

just always know..that when you feel tempted..you hyave a flesh and blood perosn in front of you..your mate..with all their stink and such..have you gotten to see that which temots you in that light?

there's an old wives kinda saying "better the devil you know"

a nicer way might be "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"

be wary however you go about this

I know I am debbie downer..crusher of romance...but..sigh..you will feel lucky that you had a debbie downer there..for balance..when you needed it

I think infidelity can beget infidelity

I think yes..someone who was cheated on has every right to end their marriage.

But not to cheat.

Cheating (be you the cheater or the one thyeare cheating with)has to do with one's personal character and not their marriage. (like stealing)

for me, I couldn't do it..and I tried..I wanted revenge so bad

I just really don't like that kind fo behavior..I find it just..destructive and cruel..especially now I know the pain it causes

I would never want to be that deliberatley cruel, even to someone I think might deserve it

I learned this about myself, because I tried to..I wanted to..but could not do it

when I was much younger..I came close to cheating..but couldn't do it because I didn't want to hurt my H. The much later, after I found out about him, I really wanted to. I really wanted a trial seperation. But I couldn't do it (I saw how unstable my H had become....I saw my poor kid..confused by it all)
I didn't want to add more misery to the God awful misery that was already going down.

Yeah just don't make it all your life
story. It doesn't deserve to be your
life story. At the end of the day,
you are suffering more than
you need to in which makes the others
around you suffer just the same.
Don't live the rest of your life in resentment,
no one should live that way, those things
should not be the things that take up
much space in our hearts and minds.
What has been done has been done,
if you stay and suffer it is your own
fault. Get over yourself and your husband
and let gods love count for something.
I would hope your life is not equal to your
husbands affair. At the end of the
day looking at the life of Christ,
to waste away your years with these
things in your heart is shameful, is filth.
Infiltrating the lives of others you accept
selfishness before the lord becoming
one in the same, a love affair.
What is the truth that you have not
found yourself out of this mess inside
of you? You want to live a life in Christ
I would hope you could see yourself
out of much more. Pick yourself back up.
Don't be a cheater.

bionic wrote:at1..
I think if you don't lie about it....if you tell her..you are considering this
I think it's a conversation you should both have
this is serious business

I thought you guys were trying to heal..the marshal arts classes and such
maybe there is still too much pain there?
I wonder about this in my own marriage

you two need to talk..I say this knowing I have similar stuff..ghosts of past pain in my marriage still haunting us

for what it's worth we don't talk about it so much, either (Christ, we yelled about it for years)
it's just too..painful to go there..not waqnting to stir

but it comes out in more insidious ways

plus..have you noticed..you got so hooked on the high drama..that when things settle a bit..you don't know what to do with yourself?

just always know..that when you feel tempted..you hyave a flesh and blood perosn in front of you..your mate..with all their stink and such..have you gotten to see that which temots you in that light?

there's an old wives kinda saying "better the devil you know"

a nicer way might be "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"

be wary however you go about this

I know I am debbie downer..crusher of romance...but..sigh..you will feel lucky that you had a debbie downer there..for balance..when you needed it

Indeed, there are things to be discussed.
Don't worry about being a debbie downer...what you say is entirely right, and I won't be lying if the time comes, and sneaking around, and all that s***. As I know how much that can hurt.
The martial arts class is two hours away...The map thingie said one hour which I thought would be managable. So we decided that I'd teach her what I know of self-defense until we can get to a class. One day she might need it; he was/is violent I'll say that much. And more importantly, about having kids, I need to tell her something about that, that I'm no longer ready since I refuse to be an absentee dad..that would tie us inextricably forever which I must admit I'm having second thoughts about. And third, and fifty, thoughts about.
It's like I often look at her and think that she is capable of what she's capable of.
Serious business indeed.

bionic wrote:I think infidelity can beget infidelity

I think yes..someone who was cheated on has every right to end their marriage.

But not to cheat.

Cheating (be you the cheater or the one thyeare cheating with)has to do with one's personal character and not their marriage. (like stealing)

for me, I couldn't do it..and I tried..I wanted revenge so bad

I just really don't like that kind fo behavior..I find it just..destructive and cruel..especially now I know the pain it causes

I would never want to be that deliberatley cruel, even to someone I think might deserve it

I learned this about myself, because I tried to..I wanted to..but could not do it

when I was much younger..I came close to cheating..but couldn't do it because I didn't want to hurt my H. The much later, after I found out about him, I really wanted to. I really wanted a trial seperation. But I couldn't do it (I saw how unstable my H had become....I saw my poor kid..confused by it all)
I didn't want to add more misery to the God awful misery that was already going down.

Couldn't agree more.
At the end of the day (or at the end of three infidelous years, take your pick), I have troubles looking into the eyes of someone who would knowingly cause me much harm. When there are many fish in the sea who wouldn't treat me like garbage.