I'm still with him because I DO love him, and I love my family and I love my son.
I am trying very hard to forgive him. Some would say he has done the unforgivable, but I am tuly trying. I might not be able to make it. In that case, I will probably leave him. I will have no choice..for my sanity.
In some ways I do forgive him. Mostly I forgive him. But that doesn't mean I don't see him for what it he really is now.
A person can see a devil..know it to be a devil and still love that devil..loving them hoenslty..for what you know them to be and not what you wish they were or thought they were..or maybe they preteneded they were to you.
people are human..light and dark..You can't truly love someone if you only love them when they are playing 'nice'
No human is going to pass the 'perfect test'
listen..
My H is a great guy. If I had not found out about his secret life, I would have thought I was very lucky in the mate department (such is the power of denial)
I really had no clue as to the truth.
In the book and movie "Heartburn". The main character, when asked "How could a woman not know?" she answers, "It's a distant bell, slowly getting closer. You hear it ringing in the distance..but yiou don;t hear it..but slowly it gets louder until you are fully aware of it"
it's really like that..unless you have been under it's spell and then one day realized it..you don't know the power of denial. I use to be one fo those people that would arrogantly say, "How could she not know..she had to have known" ugh
Most women will try very hard to forgive first discovered adultery (I have heard men are more apt to walk if they find their woman cheatign..but am not sure if that is true since I have met several men who are trying to make it work with their caught cheating, wives)..it's the second or third time they 'catch the theif' that gets them walking.
I am still reeling on first discovery..and promises of change..with some obvious follow through.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
But the trust is severly damaged and like they say "Once a cheater..." rings in my head.
So I see suspicious behavior where it may or may not be.
I have PTSD over the whole thing. As time goes by my rages over the whole thing have subsided..it went from the whole first year after fidnign out being in shock..being in a blur..the second year not much better..the third year some real healign starts. This year way better with occasional slip (every fours months or so) Plus all the triggers in the media..seems discovered affairs are all the rage these days. (my psychic self was told "goddess is over this and this issue will be forced into the open to be healed by society" about a year ago..but my healthier mind sees that as the self serving delusion it most probably is..though i do get correct psychic insights into some thingss and it had that 'feel')
Time is healing me.
It gets easier over time. As he proves himself more...as new memories fill the space between now and horrible then. As he see's the real damge it caused me and how I am trying to forgive. AS we share our stories with others in private and realize most people have a similar stroy. It's common.
For me it's been a little over four years since 'discovery' and anyone tha tknows about this kind of thing says it takes on the average 2 to 5 years for a marriage that makes it through it all..to get back on track.
Most marriages, upon discovery..try to hang on, but don't make it.
I say "upon discovery' because statistically most marriages have infidelity occur within them. The chances rise the longer the marriage.
I have to wonder if unnofficially all long term marriages go through soemthing similar at some point..and many more make it than is offcially known.
I've been married since 1987. Even if we don't make it, we had a good run by today's standards.
also..the stuff I post here is me venting..just because I am saying my feelings here doesn't mean I am with him just to punish him...My man and my family have been my whole life..my entire adult life. I gave up a-lot..I invested a-lot in him and our family because I love them. That kind of investment is not..should not be taken lightely and given up on easily. This is something he came to realize almost too late..and maybe too late if I can't get over it.
Most people learn this lesson too late..they take their lives and their loves for granted and ruin it all and secretly regret it all for the rest of their lives.
Truly, I think both my H and I might have walked away at this pint..not because we don;t love each other..but because the fallout is just too painful to deal with..BUT we both love our child..and for him alone..we will both hold on as long as we can..I know that for sure
Our son has Autism and the truth is..the stress of having an Autistic child means that 80% of the marriages that contain one end up in divorce.
What does this have to do with sex addiction you ask?
My H was dx'd with cancer and our son was dx'd as an autistic child within a week.(I think it sent him into a midlife crisis)
He lost a testicle to the cancer...then found a doctor that would legaly prescribe him steriods. He was secretly hourding them. he is a body builder. On these steriods it was obvious he was becoming a sex addict.
I believe my H probably always cheated on me on and off throughout the years, but in a small way. I think on the steriods he hourded he developed a serious sex addiction and it sent his cheating into overdrive. He got sloppy.and out of control That's why i finally caught on and caught him.
His sex addiction lead to the damage I described.
“Whether you sniff it smoke it eat it or shove it up your ass the result is the same: addiction.”
― William S. Burroughs
(love&forgive yourself..and everyone else)
- So when/if the lady finds a new love then after some brief experience she can know if he is worth sticking with based on what she's learnt from an older man. I mean that an inexperienced lady won't necessarily know if her guy is good for her or if he is just using her as a sperm bag.
