The Black Vault Message Forums

Discover the Truth!        

Modern Relationships and Social Issues

Is Sex Addiction Real?

Let's face it - we all have them. Come on in to offer advice, or maybe get some advice.

Postby sandra » Sun Mar 14, 2010 9:08 am

Is Sex Addiction Real?

(CNN) -- When Jack Rogers first heard media reports of Tiger Woods' multiple extramarital affairs, the first thing he did was say a little prayer for Woods and his wife. The second thing he did was tally up the number of women who claimed to have had sex with the famous golfer.

"I said to myself, 'My God, that's some body count,' " Rogers remembers.

Jack Rogers -- that's not his real name -- knows a little something about body count because he has one of his own: In the first 20 years of his marriage, he says, he slept with some 50 women. While some view Woods as just an unfaithful louse who was looking for a good time, Rogers sees him as a sex addict.

What's the difference? Rogers, who works in the high-tech industry in Washington and has two children, says his whole life was geared around how he would have his next orgasm, in the same way a methamphetamine addict is constantly trying to find his next drug hit.

Between women and pornography, "I was having three, four, five orgasms a day," he says. "As soon as I was done with one I was thinking about how I was going to get the next one. Sex was controlling my life, and I was miserable."

Confessions of a sex addict

Now 49, Rogers says his addiction began at age 16.

"I would have sex for hours and hours at a time, and then go look at pornography," he remembers. "Sex was my all-consuming endpoint."

While some young men might brag about their sexual conquests, Rogers was the opposite. He kept his sex life a secret, seeking out girls who didn't attend his high school.

He says no one suspected.

"I was elected all-school president," he says. "I was well thought of. I earned a full scholarship to the University of Washington. If you'd met me, you'd think, 'Wow, I want to give that kid a scholarship.' "

He continued to be obsessed with sex in college. "The day Mount Saint Helens blew up, everyone was talking about it. But I didn't even know it happened because I was having sex all that day," he remembers.

He was never faithful to a girlfriend, and although he married at age 25, he was never at any point faithful to his wife.

"I was having affairs while we were engaged," he says.

His quest for sex started at 4 in the morning, when he would wake up to get in touch with the women he was seeing on the East Coast. The rest of the day was spent mapping out his sexual activities. Some of the women he had sex with were colleagues. Others were prostitutes. Some were women he met by chance.

"I could meet a woman on the elevator and be having sex in her apartment two days later," he says. "I would just get a feeling, from the amount of eye contact or the type of eye contact, that a person would be open to the idea."

He says he usually had two or three affairs going on at one time, but didn't actually derive pleasure from them. "I wanted to stop and I couldn't," he says. "I was miserable. It was a horrible way to live."

How do you know if you're a sex addict?

Jay Parker, a dependency counselor who runs a program for sex addicts in Redmond, Washington, called "No More Secrets," says an intense interest in sex doesn't mean someone is a sex addict.

"It's like with alcohol -- everyone who gets a DUI isn't an alcoholic," he says. "There are people who have errors in judgment -- they're not addicts."

So how do you know when someone's behavior has crossed the line into addiction?

According to the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, an estimated 3 to 5 percent of Americans could fall in the category of having an addiction to sex.

However, it's important to note that the official handbook of psychiatric diagnoses, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, doesn't include a diagnosis for sexual addiction. Some therapists, like Craig Fabrikant, a clinical psychologist at the Hackensack University Medical Center, doubts such a thing even exists.

"I think it's more of a habit than an addiction," he says. "I would classify it as OCD -- more of an obsession or compulsion than an addiction."

But professional arguments aside, Fabrikant agrees that people like Rogers who are miserable or dysfunctional because their sex lives are out of control need professional help -- and that the first step is to recognize when they have a problem.

Click here to see checklists devised by the Sexual Recovery Institute and the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health to help you determine whether you have a sexual addiction. If you answer yes to a high number of questions on any checklist, you may have a problem.

Here are some general ways to know you might have crossed the line from healthy sexual interest to sexual addiction or compulsion:

1. You lie

For Parker, the sex addiction counselor, this is the No. 1 way you know you've crossed the line: when you make up stories to get sex.

"If you lie with women to get them to have sex with you, you're a predator and an addict," he says.

2. Sex consumes you

If your interest in sex runs your life, you have a problem, says Robert Weiss, a social worker and founder of the Sexual Recovery Institute. He says addicts "are always preoccupied with hitting on someone, or picking someone up, or getting home to look at porn before their spouse comes home."

3. You're "divorced, dead, fired or arrested"

If you continue your sexual activities even under threat of being "divorced, dead, fired or arrested," you're an addict, Parker says.

"They ignore the consequences," Weiss adds. "They say, 'I could really screw up myself here, but I'm going to continue to do it.' "

4. You have an intense interest in pornography

"The pornography piece of this cannot be overstated," Parker says. "Show me a guy who's having sex with three women in one week, and I promise you he has a relationship with pornography."

5. You want to stop and you can't

Sexual addiction is defined by a loss of control, Weiss says.

"I was totally out of control. I tried to stop and I couldn't," Rogers says.

Five years ago, when the misery got to be too much, Rogers confessed his addiction to his wife and checked himself into an inpatient treatment program for a month, which included not having orgasms alone or with anyone else.

After leaving the treatment center, he continued on outpatient treatment, and has not cheated on his wife again.

In treatment, Rogers was not allowed to engage in any type of sexual activity or look at pornography. He also did what he called "psychodrama," looking at situations from his past that might have led to his addiction, including being sexually abused repeatedly at age 7 by an older boy in his neighborhood. In other sessions, counselors helped him understand the effect he'd had on his wife and children, the women he'd slept with, and their families.

His wife joined him for two days at the program. He read her his "disclosure letter" describing his sexual activities over the past 20 years.

"She knew about the pornography and masturbation, but she didn't know about the affairs or the prostitutes," he says. "So it was very difficult to her to receive this information, just in terms of the sheer numbers of women."

In the last week of treatment, he and his doctors mapped out what his life would look like back home after recovery. He sees a counselor and goes to a 12-step recovery program. "In my first 365 days after treatment, I went to 523 meetings," he says.

Early on in his recovery he did sometimes look at Internet pornography, but a software program he installed on his computer alerted his wife and sponsor in his support group, and he stopped looking at porn.

Gradually, Rogers says, he learned how to have a healthy sex life with his wife.

"That's what we aim for," Parker says. "We're not trying to turn someone into a monk. He needs to learn how to have sex like a gentleman."

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/02/25/ep.sex.addiction.woods/index.html

-Oh what can I say, it was in the health section of CNN. :shock:
“Living backwards!” Alice repeated in great
astonishment. “I never heard of such a thing!”
“—but there’s one great advantage in it, that one’s
memory works both ways.”
— Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass
User avatar
sandra
 
Posts: 3702
Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2009 6:27 pm
Location: Minnesota US

Postby nightwolf » Sun Mar 14, 2010 10:52 am

2. Sex consumes you

If your interest in sex runs your life, you have a problem, says Robert Weiss, a social worker and founder of the Sexual Recovery Institute. He says addicts "are always preoccupied with hitting on someone, or picking someone up, or getting home to look at porn before their spouse comes home."


Sounds like my work place, they get excited if they hear a women talking or laughing on the other side of the office! :lol:

4. You have an intense interest in pornography

"The pornography piece of this cannot be overstated," Parker says. "Show me a guy who's having sex with three women in one week, and I promise you he has a relationship with pornography."


Well, I'm screwed, looks like I need to get rid of Cinemax and HBO! Oh well, at least there's always the internet!

Sandra, you're a sex addict for posting this article you know. When will these people learn that it's just about control? I can just about guarantee that every guy looks at porn as do some women. If you can't control yourself, you had problems before looking at porn. Porn is just an easy scapegoat for these 'psychologists.'
nightwolf
 
Posts: 166
Joined: Fri Jan 29, 2010 8:09 am

Postby BloodStone » Sun Mar 14, 2010 10:55 am

I think it is real.

I also think people are using it as an excuse to go bang whoever they want. Tiger is using it as a scapegoat, just like most others who get caught.

If you are an addict , usually you won't do everyday things. You'll spend every waking moment looking for the fix. Tiger is just a man whore , who can't tell his wife he wants other women. He's a SISSY, and a coward.

most men would be considered sex addicts by todays standards. Women are just as guilty in cheating.


BloodStone...

Yes that word was moderated by sandra
If it were raining hookers, I'd get hit by a fag.
User avatar
BloodStone
 
Posts: 1422
Joined: Thu Apr 09, 2009 11:54 am
Location: U.S.S.A

Postby greeney2 » Sun Mar 14, 2010 11:26 am

The problem in our society is that everything has become a disease. Its become a legal tool for criminal and civil "get out of Jail" cards to play. I'm not bad, I just have a disease. The disease is never a disease however until things go bad, never when things are going good. Complusive gamblers never have a disease when they are winning. They don't come home and say "Honey I just won another $50k playing poker", and have her say "You better check into rebab you no good SOB". Its always when there is trouble the "I have a disease" starts. Its nothing but a big excuse to get out of big time jail or big time divorse settlements. Ever see a used car salesman check into bullshitting rehab, when he is last on the car sales report? He probably got some disease too. We have herd every excuse for cheating to murder, from claiming you were the victim of neglect and abuse, that gave them a disease for their behavior.

The 10 Commandments were written on 2 stone tablets for a reason--short and simple. Not Commandment 1, except for A, B and C diseases or excuse. Moses would have taken 14 trips down that mountain if we carved all the excuses and diseases on those stone tablets. Tiger is just a spoiled rich jerk with no clue to Love and loyalty, and most those women should read those stone tablets themselves.
greeney2
 
Posts: 9596
Joined: Thu Apr 09, 2009 11:54 am

Postby BloodStone » Sun Mar 14, 2010 12:13 pm

Yes that word was moderated by sandra
:lol: :lol: too funny...











BloodStone...
If it were raining hookers, I'd get hit by a fag.
User avatar
BloodStone
 
Posts: 1422
Joined: Thu Apr 09, 2009 11:54 am
Location: U.S.S.A

Postby Dark-Samus » Mon Mar 15, 2010 12:26 am

The 10 Commandments were written on 2 stone tablets for a reason--short and simple.


The only reason they were written is because the human species is weak and stupid.
Truth doesn´t control you, you control it...
User avatar
Dark-Samus
 
Posts: 2584
Joined: Thu Apr 09, 2009 11:54 am

Postby mael » Mon Mar 15, 2010 6:53 am

Woods just liked using his wood.

He had the money and the opportunity to drive some birdies and simply played the game.

I think one sad aspect of this is that he would not have achieved such an impressive history of putting it in the hole had it not been for the fact that he was rich. He had his shots lined-up for him.

Great fun 'n all that. But reality must have been rather dramatic when his missus took to using golf clubs as well - after she found out.

I respect players. But more than just winning the game, I respect honesty within a relationship more than just seeing how many rounds you can win. Call it 'sportsmanship,' if you will.

Calling what he did as some kind of disease creates an opportunity to evade being responsible for his actions.

- And clearly at least some of the places he used his wood are now clamouring for money. Not him - just his money.

* Naming it as sex addiction might fool the newspaper reading mentality though.
User avatar
mael
 
Posts: 1762
Joined: Thu Apr 09, 2009 11:54 am

Postby bionic » Mon Mar 15, 2010 11:32 am

An addiction is any habit that has become so compulsive for you that it is doing damage in your life..and you know that..yet still cannot stop or contain it.

That goes for any addiction.

The truth is any habit can become an obsession, an addiction, to a unhealthy degree. (some more easily than others..when brain chemicals and pleasure centers are involved)

Sex addiction is very real and because of the internet majorly on the rise..to the point that is destroying society. (not just from infidelity which invovles patholgical lying as well as sex addiction)

Plenty..PLETY or single people who are not cheatign on anybody are sex addictted..soem compulsively masturbate until the point that they are raw..some come on to people and grab at strangers (ever witnessed a "letch"..that' a form of sex addiction)

Like all addcitions , there are degrees and tyoes of sex addiction

This is not an excuse for bad behavior..just an explanation

People don't like to admit it..because it is prevalent..more prevalent than anyone wants to be honest about..just like child molestation..which is one of the leading causes..if not the leading cause of sex addiction later in one's life.

Most people can't face the fact that they had been molested..let alone have become sex addicted because of it. (boys have been and are molested just as much as girls..if not more..they just don;t come forward about it usually..male pride)

News flash folks..you're not alone..many..maybe most people were molested or groped by someone at least once as a kid. It still counts even if you kind of liked it and it only happened once. It still played a huge role in how your sexuality developed and any compulsions you might have developed..be they mild or severe.

People may not realize this yet..but in the future..looking back..it will be obvious for all to see..how destructive it all got..the hedonism..around now

Ballance is the answer to anything

It's not good to build up walls everywhere..strangle people with rules..but it's not good to have free reign either..that leads to absolute chaos.

There's a space between extremes that person can bounce about happily...homeostasis

People have to find that for themselves, though.
Willie Wonka quotes..
What is this Wonka, some kind of funhouse?
Why? Are you having fun?
A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.
We are the music makers, we are the dreamers of dreams
User avatar
bionic
 
Posts: 9884
Joined: Thu Apr 09, 2009 11:54 am

Postby sheye » Mon Mar 15, 2010 11:50 am

Bionic wrote:

An addiction is any habit that has become so compulsive for you that it is doing damage in your life..and you know that..yet still cannot stop or contain it.

That goes for any addiction.

The truth is any habit can become an obsession, an addiction, to a unhealthy degree. (some more easily than others..when brain chemicals and pleasure centers are involved)

Sex addiction is very real and because of the internet majorly on the rise..to the point that is destroying society. (not just from infidelity which invovles patholgical lying as well as sex addiction)

Plenty..PLETY or single people who are not cheatign on anybody are sex addictted..soem compulsively masturbate until the point that they are raw..some come on to people and grab at strangers (ever witnessed a "letch"..that' a form of sex addiction)

Like all addcitions , there are degrees and tyoes of sex addiction

This is not an excuse for bad behavior..just an explanation

People don't like to admit it..because it is prevalent..more prevalent than anyone wants to be honest about..just like child molestation..which is one of the leading causes..if not the leading cause of sex addiction later in one's life.

Most people can't face the fact that they had been molested..let alone have become sex addicted because of it. (boys have been and are molested just as much as girls..if not more..they just don;t come forward about it usually..male pride)

News flash folks..you're not alone..many..maybe most people were molested or groped by someone at least once as a kid. It still counts even if you kind of liked it and it only happened once. It still played a huge role in how your sexuality developed and any compulsions you might have developed..be they mild or severe.

People may not realize this yet..but in the future..looking back..it will be obvious for all to see..how destructive it all got..the hedonism..around now

Ballance is the answer to anything

It's not good to build up walls everywhere..strangle people with rules..but it's not good to have free reign either..that leads to absolute chaos.

There's a space between extremes that person can bounce about happily...homeostasis

People have to find that for themselves, though.


wow^ had to copy and paste the whole thing,cause its worth reading two times over.....you really have a wise way of expressing things Bionic..
and I learn a lot from your posts...(like you are a mini guide for me ,or something..)<I'd stick a smilie here..or an applauding emoticon if we had one...but I'm getting this weird thing happening with my smilies on this board....when I hit them..sometimes...more often than not...they pop up at the top...lol..

only been for the last few days??....strange....makes me curious..< (insert mystifyed emoticon here)
sheye
 
Posts: 1676
Joined: Sat Dec 26, 2009 9:23 am

Postby at1with0 » Mon Mar 15, 2010 6:48 pm

Being labeled a sex addict and confusing that with disease that excuses people from infidelity is horses***. No one would excuse an alcoholic who gets a DUI or who wakes up to see the teeth of a five year old on the grill of his car. It's just a convenient label, and reasonably intelligent people will use the label to explain, rather than rationalize. Perhaps too convenient... but only time will tell on that one. I think most people realize that a screwed up childhood or mental illness doesn't give them impunity to do whatever they want, particularly because there are lots of people whose life sucks that don't act out.

I am not a sex addict but I do understand the nature of addiction. Any activity can be an addiction like I think bionic wrote. Addiction can easily ruin your life, obviously. Self-control takes practice, a lot of hard work.

I found it interesting that he went to over 500 meetings in 365 days. Not to mention the fact that he counted all of them, the person seems like he might be addicted to support groups like "Rupert" in Fight Club.
"it is easy to grow crazy"
User avatar
at1with0
 
Posts: 9182
Joined: Thu Apr 09, 2009 5:55 pm
Location: the coproduct of the amalgam of all structures

Next

Return to Modern Relationships and Social Issues

  • View new posts
  • View unanswered posts
  • Who is online
  • In total there are 0 users online :: 0 registered, 0 hidden and 0 guests (based on users active over the past 10 minutes)
  • Most users ever online was 292 on Mon Apr 23, 2012 3:19 pm
  • Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests