I'm not suggesting you place a lot of faith in magic "do your own thing" ...
if your in trouble or had trouble I think you should seek professional help.
maybe a good counselor or someone real. instead of spending so much time
on the Internet. perhaps you might find satisfaction teaching piano. you could "meet someone " and not be so alone. because that comes through. you might like bingo, or church socials. I know you must be going through an difficult time
w/ your recent loss. and you seem to have an lot of Internet friends. but, is that
enough ? my girlfriend is nodding her head in agreement so I can't be that far
off ! lol take care island girl I wish you all the best .